the more i think about it

Happiness is like a cliff in heaven overlooking hell. You're standing on the edge feeling sorry for the people down below then before you know it the wind blows you down. Eventually you work your way back up and on and on and on and on


the more i think about it the more life feels hollowed out and monotonous. every day is starting to feel like the last. the only thing that separates it from the previous day is how much more i noticed every day feeling the same. the one thing i've noticed with my internship is that what i'm doing now will be what i'm doing every day for the rest of my life.

while that will be fine someday later on when i'm ready to settle, currently i feel like i keep shooting myself in the foot. the only place i want to be is the road, but then knowing it's impossible tears me apart on the inside. it's a shame having so much more than so many people yet being similar in the sense that i still want something i may never get.

i'm starting to realize it's just human nature but i also have tried my best to abstain from general human nature, and avoid being just another disgusting animal. my only fear is that this goal is also something i want that i can never achieve.


the worst thing i've ever done is listen to other people, who made the same mistakes i am but keep it to themselves in order to seem "professional". but at what?

it's a pretty obvious fact that nobody is truly 100% content for a long period of time. anyone who says it is just a liar.

the world peace paradox

so many people preach on about loving one another and uniting as a world, yet they won't even let themselves relate with those in their own country or community. instead of finding a common ground they work to do all in their power to alienate themselves from those with opposing viewpoints.

the best way to tear down someone's walls (the walls that make for a narrow mind) is from the inside.

Time

is a man made measurement. there is no divinity associated with time other than what we as people have applied in our impressionable heads. days, months, and years, are all man made. we as a species are merely taking up space and floating around this world until our time is up and our bodies are no longer functioning. some of us wear down and nature tells us it's time, others are taken by forces outside of us. regardless of how our lives end, time has no affiliation with god. we cannot travel back or forward in something that is just a measurement, and it is fascinating to think that we made something so serene, yet it cripples us in various ways at the same time. think about it.

but it is better to keep certain information to yourself. keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself, and go with the flow. everyone thinks deep thoughts, questions themselves, and others. everyone gets so alone even when surrounded by others. some just choose to be more open about it.

and

instead of texting on a phone everywhere you go, focus on what's around you. the rate we are accelerating towards introversion is because of technology. that's what they want. by focusing on small screens and other people's endeavors it is easier for the evils of the world to work without others questioning them. don't let that happen. don't become what they want. and don't ever let yourself be a slave to the things you own or what they create. only be a slave to what you love, and never who you love.

EVERYTHING

is changing.


what can you do?

Music

Has kept me sane all these years. I know that everyone says that, but not to the extent for me. Starting when I was 9 years old all my allowance was put away until I could afford the next CD I wanted. All through middle school without any friends, a girlfriend, or any other hobbies, my money I earned went towards either CD's or guitar equipment. I couldn't get enough. I would also shell out cash for compilations and samplers to discover every new band I possibly could. If I didn't have enough for a full length CD, I would buy a CDep, whatever I could do to expand my knowledge. In a way, I miss those days of figuring out who I was and not needing to go out because I had a massive collection of CD's to fill that gap.

When people are asked what music they listen to they always say "everything" but I don't think it's the same. All it normally means is they like some Rap, Country, and a few 90's rock songs they grew up with on the radio. No. Never. I don't listen to EVERYTHING, but I pride myself in knowing in nearly every genre and subgenre I can name at least one artist or maybe song I enjoy.

When I would buy a CD I would devour it, looking up every last bit of information in the liner notes to know what I could about the artist.

THEN the internet entered my life. I crashed my parents computer a few times trying to download MP3's from sketchy websites. Obviously this didn't go over well, and my parents never understood. They raised me to love music, but not how I did. It was almost an obsession.


To this day it hasn't changed much other than the fact I realized what I like and don't like. It was almost a journey based around self-discovery through other people's work. My parents still don't understand, hardly anyone does. I know I'll never play in a full time touring band... but I don't want that either. Where I'm at keeps it as a hobby and something fun as well as fulfilling. If I were to become jaded or just sick of music, I don't know what the hell I would do.


Currently listening to:
Mogwai- Mr. Beast
Cult of Luna- Somewhere Along the Highway
mewithoutYou- Catch For Us the Foxes
Cursive- Domestica/Happy Hollow/Mama, I'm Swollen